What nobody tells you about the first year

In the year after a baby arrives a woman will be given a very large amount of advice, almost all of it about the baby. Feeding, sleeping, weight, milestones. Very little of it is about her, and she will notice.

You will be asked about, not asked

People will ask how the baby is sleeping. They will ask whether he is feeding well. Fewer will ask how you are, and when they do it will often be as a preamble to asking about him again.

This is not malice. It is just where attention goes. But it means a woman can spend a year being constantly surrounded and rarely enquired after, which is a specific kind of lonely.

The identity part is real

You may find that you are now referred to primarily as someone's mother, including by people who have known you for twenty years. Most days this is fine. Some days it lands strangely, and the strangeness is worth taking seriously rather than talking yourself out of.

Loving him completely and missing yourself are not in competition.

Things that help

• One person who asks about you specifically, and who you answer honestly. One is enough.
• Leaving the house without the baby occasionally, even briefly, even when it is more trouble than staying.
• Saying the ungrateful-sounding thing out loud to someone who will not flinch.
• Lowering the standard on something visible, so that the effort is going where it matters.

When it is more than this

There is a difference between the ordinary difficulty of a hard year and something that needs proper care. If you are not sleeping when the baby sleeps, if you feel flat rather than tired, if the days have stopped having any colour in them, that is worth taking to a doctor.

Community is good for a lot of things. It is not a substitute for treatment, and we would rather say that clearly than have you wait.